I Love You
by Going Over the Moon
Summary: April did a lot of things that her friends could never forgive her for. But they will never forget her. Rated for mentions of drugs and suicide, nothing too graphic. Previously titled April.
1. Graveyard

**April fascinates me. I always wondered about her relationships with everyone else. And I don't think Roger was the only one who really cared about her. I don't have a lot of experience with angsty stuff, so please don't be too mean!**

Sitting on the cold ground, I stared at the cold stone over Her grave. I traced over the frosted marble, tracing over Her name, Her birthday, the day She died. I withdrew my hands suddenly, seeing Her in my head, cold and still, like this stone. This heartless stone, that treats Her with as little regard as the countless priests who refused to say her funeral. If I had my way, the rock wouldn't be there. Mark had taken care of all that.

It's been two years. Two years since we found Her in the bathroom, since Mark pried the razor blade out of my shaking hands before I took my life like She had Hers. Two years since he held me through abandoning the drugs that took Her away from me. Two years.

I hated Her. She said She loved me, but didn't have the courage to stay with me. She left me to suffer, and left Mark to pick up the pieces, Mark who loved Her just as much as I did. And I could never forgive her for it. But no matter what I blamed Her for, no matter how much I hated Her for all She had done, I would always love Her and be a slave to Her memory. Mimi was my release. She loved me differently. She didn't take my faults, she made me change. And I made her. She understood that I would never be over Her, and didn't want me to. Mimi thought She was a part of me, and just more to love.

Two years. Two frigid, hellish years. Years that I would never get back. Years that ruined me. Years I will never forget.

**Ick. This is not good. Maybe my next try will be better. PLEASE REVIEW!!!**


	2. The Hardest Thing

**I think Mark cared a lot about April, but hated her for what she did to Roger.**

I sit here, watching him sleep, peaceful for now. I know that his torment will continue once he wakes up. But for now, he rests. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps. No longer is he tortured by nightmares about that day. Not that he remembers much.

When he saw her cold body, he did wouldn't go near her. I checked for a pulse, praying to a God who I hadn't belived in since I was fourteen that she was still here. But she was gone, blood staining her ripped jeans, matted in her long hair, dripping on the floor. Roger sat on the floor, arms wrapped around himself, rocking back and forth. I made the mistake of leaving him alone to call for the police. When I came back, the razor was in his hand, hovering over his wrist. I wrestled the blade out of his grip. It was then I saw how much he loved her. I had never realized before.

Watching him suffer was the hardest thing I had ever done. And I couldn't help but hate her. She did this to him. My two best friends turned into people I didn't know. I didn't see any way to help them then. I felt so helpless. So when April was gone, I blamed myself for not doing something before. So when she was gone, I vowed that I would not let Roger go. I would not lose him too. I owed that to him, to myself, and to April.

Keeping him off these drugs is hard. Roger is much stronger than me. He hit me yesterday. He was blaming me for April's death. If Collins hadn't walked in, Roger would have gone running to his drug dealer. But I wouldn't send him to a treatment center like Collins wanted. He didn't understand. H didn't have to see the blood. He didn't have to hold Roger back when they took her away. He didn't understand why I needed to fix it myself, but he helped me. Maureen was my only tie to anything that made sense. And she left two weeks ago.

I loved April. But I can never forgive her for what she did.

**Well? Please review! Please!**


	3. A Tool

**Collins couldn't believe how much of a hold April had over Roger. But by the time he was back, it was too late.**

She ruined him. She lied. And he loved her. She was everything to him, but she left him to rot. But no matter what I said, no matter what shred of sense I tried to put in his thick skull, he never stopped loving her. Idiot. Maureen was the only one who believed me. She hated April as much as I did. But Roger wouldn't listen. Neither would Mark. April was his best friend. She made a mistake, he said. She didn't hurt any of us purposely. Crap. She knew exactly what she was doing. She saw the trust in Mark's eyes, and the love in Roger's. But she didn't care. No, Roger was her tool. Disposable. But when she realized how hugely she messed up, she didn't have the guts and stay and take the consequences. She left Roger to suffer, and Mark to rescue him.

I'm not totally guiltless. I was scared too. So I ran. I couldn't stand to watch him ruin his life, so I made Mark deal with it on his own. But I came back. I helped Mark with Roger durning the first month of Roger's withdrawal. But when it became apparent that someone needed to get some cash fast, I took it upon myself. I should have stayed nearby. When I came back for a visit, I found Mark, hunched over on the floor, with Roger standing over him. He would have killed him if I hadn't walked in. After that, I didn't trust him. I was afraid for Mark. He was always a scrawny little nerd. He couldn't take a punch. Roger could have killed him. But Mark refused to leave Roger. I guess he felt at fault. That's just how he thinks, he always blames himself. So I left again, for seven months. I called sometimes, to make sure they were still alive. And when I got fired, I came back, and got mugged. When I finally made it back, they were both in one piece, and Roger was clean. And things seemed alright. But I knew. I saw in his eyes, his longing for the girl who ruined him. If he didn't care about Mark so much, he would have taken his life the day she took hers.

April took his life away from him. I can never forgive her.


	4. Replacement

**Mimi can see how much Roger still hurts, but she sees no way to fix it.**

He smiles and shakes his head, leans in and kisses me and tells me that he's fine, that I should stop worrying. But I look into his eyes, and I can see.

He still hurts.

He still loves her. April. He loves her so much. Her picture is on the little broken chair that is his nightstand. She was a cute little redhead, with bright blue eyes with long eyelashes and a beautiful smile. In the picture, she's sitting in his lap on the couch, arm around his neck and head leaned against his shoulder. They're smiling, his arms around her waist. Looking at it, you wouldn't think they were struggling with drugs. They look happy, like a couple should look like.

I lie to him, and tell him that I don't mind if he loves her. But I do. It scares me that she still has such a hold over him, even after her death. She hurt him so much, then left him! She introduced him to drugs, gave him HIV, and left him to deal with it by himself. But he loves her! And defends her!

I'm jealous.

Oh dear God I'm jealous of her! Jealous of my boyfriend's dead girlfriend. But how can I not be? How, when he loves her as much as he loves me? How can I even know if he really loves me as much as he says he does, when she is always in the back of his mind. When we met, Roger said I looked like her. Now, I wonder if, when he looks at me, he sees her and not me. I wonder if I am just a replacement for the girl who left.

She screwed up any chance I could ever have at happiness with the guy I love, which is nothing I can forgive her for.


	5. I Love You

**April loved Roger so much, but she was so scared.**

I looked down at the little piece of paper in my hand. Positive. HIV positive. I'm HIV positive. Which means he will be too.

God, how could I have been so stupid? I knew this, or something similar, would happen. All I could think about was myself, and getting another hit. Everything, friends, family, all paled in comparison to getting another hit. And now this. Now, my entire life is down the drain. I've lost everything. And I've managed to hurt Roger in the process, my friends, people who love me. I could forgive myself is I was the only one who got hurt.

I love him. Dear God I do. But I let myself do this to him. And I don't know what to do about it. What can I do? I'm going to die, and he probably will too. Nothing anyone can do.

I balled up the little piece of paper and threw it in the bathtub.

I heard shouting. Mark and Maureen fighting again. They love each other, but can't seem to make it work. She'll storm out, he'll mope in his room. Then they make up in less than an hour. They're lucky. They'll figure it out. I hope they're happy.

I take a pen off the sink and pick up the paper.

_I'm sorry. I love you all._

I set down the note on the sink. I sit in the tub, less mess for them. It's cold, still damp from Mark's shower this morning. My hands are shaking. I can feel my body beginning to feel the effects of withdrawal, but I refuse to take a hit. I deserve this. It's my own self made hell, and I intend to burn.

My razor is in my hand, I don't know how it got there. I'm dizzy even though I'm sitting. My entire body is shaking. A flash of light, pain. Then, I'm cold. Numb. Sweet unfeeling. In the distance, a door slams.

I smile, I'm gone.


End file.
